I Changed My Mind

Around six months ago, I realized I was stretched way too thin. After all, if I was busy writing a blog post, that was taking away from other things. Audio edits. Writing. Renovations on our future mid-term rental. And the myriad of projects I have going on with two littles, a teen and a husband.

If I was always needing to work in producing content, well, that was just another spinning plate I needed to touch, right? I also felt like it was becoming something I just said, over and over, like... "I'm writing XYZ and I'll be done soon" and it felt boring and repetitive and who wants that?

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal, but as I've hit my 50s (OMG, I'm nearly at the halfway through fifties mark!), I've learned that everything has elasticity. I don't HAVE to do anything. I can CHOOSE to do certain things and then, just as easily, choose to NOT do that thing.

In the case of blogging, the thought entered my mind. "What if I talk about the OTHER stuff I'm always thinking about? What if I decided to just make my blog completely separate from updates on what I'm doing, or wanting to do, and more on the rest of my sometimes complicated, sometimes not, life? Why don't I share, instead of just updating, what is going on in my brain? Fair warning, it is a often chaotic place. I'll start with travel.

At this very moment, I'm in Ireland. Not for long, I leave for the airport in a couple of hours. I've spent six full days of tootling about this amazing country, plus two more traveling there and back. It's been amazing and I'm so glad I did it.

Traveling is challenging in a lot of ways. And while it is different for everyone, let me tell you why it is challenging for me.

• I miss my bidet - yep, you heard that right. And if you have a bidet, you would understand exactly what I meant. I could go into detail, I really could. But I won't. Suffice it to say that I'm really, really glad I'm going home today, because parts of me have had more than enough of this bidet-free existence and wish to return to what I would consider a far more civilized existence with one in each bathroom.

  
  

• I miss my family - Perhaps I should have started with that. But amusingly enough, the other day when messaging my 2nd born, I mentioned missing the bidet first and then quickly followed it up with "and I miss you all of course." I don't know if he bought it, I hope that he did, because I DO miss them! I especially miss the Littles, who are both annoying and cute, loud, and demanding, and funny as hell. I even miss my husband, even though he, as usual, does not seem to have the capacity to read any messages I send to him or bother to respond to them with his brand-new iPhone he just "had to have." Note: the phone is used for communication, dear, TRY it sometime!

  
  

• I hate getting lost - Google Maps loves to fuck with me. Over and over, it seems. And while it is superior for GPS and driving, when walking streets it spins about like some damn amusement ride on crack and makes me want to simultaneous whimper/scream/throw the fucker as far from me as I can. Let me say it again, I HATE GETTING LOST and when I'm traveling, I don't often know north from south, much less anything else. I'm a wreck!

  
  

• I get peopled out and lonely at the same time - I want to meet new people, have amazing conversations, but I'm an introvert. Yes, I often present as an extrovert. I like to label myself as a high-functioning introvert. Someone who can, in the right mood and time, handle being friendly and outgoing until my limit is reached and I must retreat and hide and recharge. That's often hard to do in a situation like I'm in now. How do I connect with others, but also hide away enough to recharge my social batteries?

  
  

• The answer isn't necessarily to travel WITH someone else - While traveling with someone else can be social lubricant, if you will, there is a downside to traveling with another person, especially someone I care about. I am constantly trying to make sure they are happy, that they are getting what they need, and that we are doing things that make their travel here special. I was so wrapped up in creating this beautiful experience for Alex in Spain and Italy last October that I broke over something stupid like a day pass somewhere in Rome. I just needed a couple of hours alone, but I didn't really understand what was happening to me, and couldn't express it properly other than being totally stressed out. Which was zero fun for Alex and me. I'm learning to find the happy medium. It isn't traveling ALONE, but it also isn't only traveling with someone else.

  
  

• Figuring out a different country's street signs, roads, language, customs, and more is a real bitch and a half at times - That doesn't mean it isn't worth it. It's just... difficult at times. I hate mispronouncing things, such as Gaelic, for example. Which actually sounds more like "gallig" when the Irish say it. Or Knowth, which is "now-t" Where the hell are the road signs? Turn where on what? And holy fuck, am I in the correct lane heading the correct direction? It's a lot. I live in fear of offending, pissing off, or otherwise proving myself to be a boorish American. I don't want to be some poster child image of what others might think Americans often are - undereducated (in geography, other languages, and more).

I think that about does it for reasons traveling is difficult for me. That said, I am so unbelievably grateful and happy I did travel to Ireland. I have a story idea, or two, that I plan to pursue. I stayed in some lovely places and met genuinely lovely people. The Irish are funny, hard-working, down-to-earth, and great conversationalists. I never felt like there wasn't something I could ask or a hidden minefield of cultural expectations or an imminent faux pas.

One of them said, when queried about American tourists, that they encounter European tourists who can "fly over here for 27 Euro and are like 'impress me' compared to Americans who are kind, excited to be here, have spent thousands for the pleasure and just love everything about us" - that's pretty close to a complete quote. I love their sense of humor. It's a bit like the British in its dryness, but with a side helping of whacky, fun-loving, wouldn't hold a grudge if you paid them to.

Learning about Knowth, Dowth, and Newgrange was one of the highlights. Going on the food tour was another. And I learned a fair amount about the history of why Ireland is currently divided, and how it likely won't be long until it is unified. It is a lovely place to travel. Full of lovely people and rolling hills and tons of seafood. They are surrounded by ocean, after all!

I love my new tattoo!

And each time I travel, I push the boundaries of my understanding and my existence in this big world out a little further. I become capable of more. More understanding, knowledge, and experience.

As I settled in the chair and prepared myself for the tattoo, my brain was screaming at me, "RUN!"

And for the first twenty minutes or so, especially when the needle moved over the areas where my veins are, I wanted to jerk away, maybe even tell her to stop. My inner critic was incessant. Giving me all the reasons why this was bad, that it hurt, that it might look bad, yada yada. For the longest time before I got my first tattoo, I would say, "I'm not against tattoos, I just haven't found anything I want to wear on my body forever." And that was true until last year, when I had the tree of life, along with "memento mori, memento vivere" added to my right forearm. That saying had real meaning for me. Remember you will die, remember that you must live is my daily reminder that life ends, so live it the best way you can while you are here. It means so much to me to make what I can of this life, each and every day. I don't know if there is another one waiting for me (I love the concept of death/rebirth and the thought of endless lives), but even if there is, I need to make this one count. Through my books, my children, my home and garden, and my travels.

This second tattoo incorporated the connected, concentric circles found on the curb stones of Knowth and Newgrange. Surrounded by the flames of the sun, it is an homage to the path of the sun that Newgrange was built to display, for just a few short minutes, during the Winter Solstice. Between December 19th and the 23rd, at sunrise, the light illuminates the interior of the burial mound. And the stones cast in shadows for most of the year are lit up as the light dances toward them.

I figured it was perfectly appropriate to reproduce that one my arm. Especially because as I was touring Knowth, the beginnings of a story landed full center in my brain, grabbed hold, and would not let go. Who knows when it will come out in full form, but it is there now!

So I'm back. Follow me on Facebook or subscribe to my monthly newsletter. Either way will give you updates on when I post here, but the newsletter is better. Just saying.

Talk to you soon!