Monthly Archives: September 2017

Dreams Deferred?

Dreams Deferred?

In amongst cleanings, my dad’s 71st birthday, and other busyness, here is the latest and greatest…

Notes and More Notes

Slowly, the plot, along with many details, are unpacking and taking up residence in my brain for Gliese 581: Zarmina’s World. It will take time, I’ve only managed to write 1,785 words so far in the manuscript.

I’m busy listening to science podcasts as I clean houses. I take notes along the way. Yesterday’s notes included:

  • Cassini’s descent doesn’t include images (a short story in the making)
  • Supply freighter to Mars or one of its moons (for additional supplies necessary to continue life there)
  • Radiation exposure in space and in the Habs (something I need to address in my story)
  • Need to exercise more (due to lower gravity, cardiovascular difficulties can increase if there isn’t more exercise) – *brainstorm – colonists watch movies and tv and “power” it (i.e. keep it going) with peddle power

After my day’s cleaning, I take the notes home and add them to my research file.

It will be a while, but I’ve at least begun on the sequel to Gliese 581: The Departure. Meanwhile, if you haven’t read it and want to, drop me an email, I’ll be happy to send you a free electronic copy in exchange for an honest review or you can always pick it up in the Kindle Store or purchase a paperback on Amazon.

Waiting to Hear

I’m waiting to hear from my beta readers on what they think of Schicksal Turnpike. Because it is a prequel, I’m wondering if NOW is the time to publish it. After all, prequels are often written long after a series has begun and serve to fill out a story, or its missing info and back story, after the fact.

One of my main questions to my beta readers is, “Does this make sense enough to stand on its own?”

If the consensus is that it does, then off to an editor it goes for further editing and then I’ll publish it on Amazon. If it does not, then I’ll shelve it until I’ve written a couple of books in The Chronicles of Liv Rowan.

Dreams Deferred?

My writing is intrinsically entwined with my projects and my life, so I can place this next bit of news here without a great deal of debate about whether it belongs in one of my other blogs or not.

For now, in the light of recent budget hits (refrigerators gone bad, real estate investments, and more), my original budget of $200 per month for a trip to Europe, and the plan to go on my 50th birthday in May 2020, has been deferred.

It is far more important to me that I set into place the basic foundation of our future. If my dad’s presence in our lives has taught me anything, it is to plan for your financial future and take care of your body, neither of which he has been very successful at.

I’m tackling both objectives head-on – I’m eating a diabetic diet and losing weight, and I’m investing in real estate with the goal of renting it out through Airbnb or straight long-term rentals.

Those two goals take precedence over a trip to Europe, even if I have been dreaming of going for most of my life. I know too that it might be incredibly difficult to go if Dad is still with us then. So for now, I’m putting it off, while still setting aside a fraction of my original planned amount. It will slowly grow in a savings account and be waiting for me to access when the time is right.

In Moments Like These

In Moments Like These

The Good

The good news first, shall we?

I spent a huge part of yesterday in the planning stages for Gliese 581: Zarmina’s World.

I waded through my list of characters first. In each book I write, I maintain a list of characters as well as a timeline. The list of characters is a table which lists:

  • First Name, Last Name and Maiden Name (if applicable)
  • Hair and Eyes
  • Born and Died
  • Location (I only use this when I’m dealing with multiple locations – like Gliese, Earth and Mars)
  • Notes – this might include information on their lineage, what they do, and their strengths

If I need to, I will add a character page into Scrivener as a sub-page of the character table. So far, I have added just one. A new character, Syn Travani, who is on Earth.

So yesterday was spent figuring out WHO was still alive (that plague was a doozy, after all) and where they were at. I listed the characters out and delineated whether they were on Earth, Mars or Gliese. I also added a handful of characters that I know I’ll need.

I also spent time re-acquainting myself with the story. This may sound silly to you, but I have forgotten a lot of what I have written. Which is always a nice surprise – I opened up the book, saw all of those neat words arranged on a page and got a satisfying, “I wrote that!” thrill. I’ll let you know when that grows old because so far, it feels GREAT every time I crack open one of my books.

I came up with some, but not all, of the major (and minor) plot points I want to weave into the book.

And finally, sore from sitting and typing and writing, I tottered off to fold laundry, read to Em, and then read a small bit for myself before I was off to bed.

Note to self: I really should re-read the entire Gliese book and take notes on avenues to explore in the new book.

The Not So Good

I woke up at 4 a.m. thinking about STUFF. In particular, I thought of my maternal line, one I swore I would do differently than generations before.

I will explain.

Growing up, my mother and my maternal grandmother were endlessly at odds. Mum (my name for my grandmother) would say something to Mom – it was usually judgmental, meddlesome, or downright manipulative. She would do the same to me and I hated it. I watched my mother wrestle with two opposing imperatives – be respectful to her mother and yet protect/defend herself.

As a result, Mum and Mom didn’t spend much time together. And when they did, it was strained and full of thick, tense air, words and deeds.

Mum has been gone for 16 years now. I wonder if her relationship with her mother was much the same. I know that my great-grandmother did not ever live with Mum. Instead, she lived with her eldest daughter, Beulah, until she died. I haven’t heard much, after all, it is poor form to speak ill of the dead, but I get the feeling she was a difficult person to get along with.

Growing up, and seeing this relationship (or lack thereof) between my mother and my grandmother – I knew I wanted different. I remember thinking, with the simple idealized hope of youth, that I could make things different. I would not have the same relationship with my mother. My daughters and I would not have the same relationships either. I would do better, I would be a good mom, maybe even a fun mom, and when my kids grew up, I would back off and not continue to try and parent (i.e. nag and judge) them forever after. I would honor their transition to adulthood and return to the sidelines and enjoy a new relationship with them based on respect and equality. I would not end up like my mom and grandmother.

Or so I told myself.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night, pregnant with my firstborn, in hysterical tears of fear, scared I wouldn’t be a good mom. My husband would laugh then, tell me I would do fine. Later, years later, even before I left him, he diligently remembered my fears and reminded me of them at every turn. “You’re an awful mother.” I believed it for years.

In the ten, now eleven years since my eldest turned eighteen, I have walked the razor’s edge. Do I tell her when she is with some guy I think has serious mommy issues or is dysfunctional? Do I say anything when she drops out of school yet again? Do I offer advice or stay silent?

I have chosen again and again to stay silent. Partly because I believed it would harm not help to give my opinion or unasked for advice. And also because, in the end, it is her life, not mine, to live. Perhaps it is best to kiss some real toads rather than have a parent giving you unasked for advice while seeing only half of the picture.

Even as I stayed true to my beliefs, as I kept my silence, my mother would make an appearance. She would tell me (without any prompting from me, thank you very much) how to live, what to wear, and send another wave of judgment my way. Just experiencing it kept me steady on my course. I would be different. I would be better.

And then I received a letter in early February from my child, doing the SAME THING that my mother had done to me all of my life, something that my mother’s mother had done to her, and god knows how far back. The letter labeled me, dispensed unasked for advice, and was generally dismissive of who I am and what I have done. And I was absolutely floored by it. She had lived with me for 18 months. We had been at peace through much of it, but the letter basically gave me two options: agree with her on her points and I don’t know, apologize for being so busy dealing with my unwanted father (the grandfather she hated) when he was at death’s door that I hadn’t come to visit her, or accept that I had somehow screwed up royally. And honestly? I couldn’t take it anymore. Not another human being, one that I had actually raised, sacrificed and provided for long after she was grown, telling me I was insufficient, that I was lacking, that I was LESS than the ideal mother she wanted.

Just like I couldn’t take my mother’s new and weird assertions that her granddaughters (especially the sweet little ten-year-old) didn’t want to spend time with her. Something I tried pointing out she would make a reality if she continued to voice it. There is nothing like being labeled, it makes the person want to be exactly what they are being called, after all, what point is there in being anything else? It isn’t as if you have disproved anything by living your life differently – others will believe what they want despite your best efforts.

I broke ties with both of them.

But it isn’t as simple as that. It never is. Do you excise the love along with the hurt? Do you make your heart a patchwork of No Trespassing signs and roads that you can no longer drive upon?

So here I was at 4 a.m., obsessing over mistakes I made when rearing my firstborn, fearing what seems like the inevitable curse of my maternal line, and I realized…

My fears – that fate has a far stronger hand in our future than I would care to admit – are what I write about and what I live.

Every day.

I don’t want to continue the pattern. I’ve tried like hell to break free of it. I’ve consciously worked at being different for the entirety of my adult life, and despite my efforts, I find myself in the same position. I can’t help wondering what Em thinks of it all. What her internal dialogue is saying as she watches my relationship with her sister and grandmother teeter and falter. Does she promise herself the same thing?

“It will be different. I’ll make it different.”

Does she promise herself that when she sees me mourning the relationships I wished I had?

It also makes me realize that the Kapalaran Universe (kapalaran is Filipino for “fate”) is an extension of these questions. That, not unlike the Philosophy 101 test question I agonized over some 20 years ago is still bouncing around in my head.

Do we have free will? Or is some pre-destination involved?

I have always thought that I could change the paradigm. I believed it with the fervor of the newly baptized. I wanted it to be different, agonized for a new reality free of judgment, hurt feelings, and resentment.

Fate, if it exists, and exist it must because damned if I haven’t tried my best to shake it, is a many-tentacled bitch of a beast.

While I Wait – My New Project Is…

While I Wait – My New Project Is…

Instead of biting my nails and worrying over what my beta readers will say/think – I’m on to the next project.

I really wanted to start on The Chronicles of Liv Rowan, but after a couple of hours spent paging through the stack of notes, and weighing that between the cliffhanger I left with Gliese 581: The Departure last year, I decided on writing the rest of the story with Gliese.

I know my sci-fi readers will be happy to hear that.

I’ve just spent the last couple of hours moving over my list of characters.

Because my book series are all inter-linked, and I like to stick with several family lineages, I keep all of the characters in an Access database. It might sound like overkill, but when you have over 345 characters (and counting) to keep track of, it makes a lot of sense.

So I’ve moseyed through the lists, updating info in Access, and copying it over to the Scrivener file for the new manuscript. It’s easier to have it all at my fingertips. Next up will be a basic timeline, which I’ll add to as I go. Again, with multiple series and characters, it is important to keep track of dates. I can’t have a character die before they were born now, can I?

Gliese 581: Zarmina’s World is not officially underway, I’m still in the planning stages, but there is movement forward.

And movement forward is good news, right?!

Off to My Army of Beta Readers It Goes

Off to My Army of Beta Readers It Goes

Big sigh of relief and comedic happy dance in progress – but as of Saturday afternoon, I completed the 2nd rough draft read through and edit of Schicksal Turnpike.

Life really got in the way of getting these edits done. I’ve been talking about the 2nd edit for about two months now, maybe three.

Between family issues, the purchase of another decrepit house, some rather intense pain in my back, hips, knees, and feet and also an Airstream in dire need of fixing, things have been rather crazy around here.

I just kept reading a chapter or two at a time to my husband, and eventually worked through all 37 chapters. It is now at just over 90,000 words.

I have emailed copies and also printed copies – my printer labored on for a couple of hours as it spit out page after page – 377 in all!

And now I wait. For my beta readers to read and respond. Meanwhile, I’m looking at the Chronicles of Liv Rowan and digging into my book outlines. This project is huge – scary big and complex and I’m wondering if I’m ready to tackle it.

I may examine the possibility of writing the sequel to Gliese 581 first. I’m not sure. I’m a little nervous about tackling Chronicles – I have twelve separate stories outlined – and it is beyond intimidating. We will see. In the weeks to come, while waiting for my beta readers, I have time to figure it all out.

I hope to have Schicksal Turnpike back and then on to a content and line editor in the next month or so. I figure I’ll turn around twice and it will be Christmas – so here is hoping I can get it out on Amazon by November at the latest.